Terraria 3: Return of the Guide
by OldManOfTheLand
Summary: An evil Guide seeking revenge sucks a Terraria veteran, Kinson, into an alternate dimension where he is forced to fight other players for supremacy. The players are put on teams, and Kinson is put on a team of... girls?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**

 **I do not own Terraria, Re-Logic, and anyone associated with them. I also don't own your local Starbucks, so don't ask.**

 **Chapter One**

For Kinson, it was a normal Saturday at home. He hopped out of bed at about 9:00, and briefly smoothed his hair in the mirror. He pulled on some clothes, and went over to the computer to check his email. Kinson noticed he'd received a few emails. One was from school. He looked at it, and saw that it was his grades: Perfect A's in all subjects, except for a 95 in language arts. One email was from some girl, with some embarrassing pee story or something. It was probably from school. He looked at some other emails, all junk mail.

"Well then," he said aloud. "Guess I have some free time ." Kinson had good grades, a was fairly popular at school, but that couldn't and wouldn't dampen his nerdy instincts. He'd probably inherited that from his father. As a result, Saturday mornings were still video game time for him. And video games meant Terraria. It was his personal favorite, a mix of sandbox, platformer, and RPG. He'd been playing since the game first came out.

As he booted up the game, he noticed something odd. That odd thing was the blinding light coming out of the screen. Not exactly normal. He wasn't sure if he blacked out or if the light was just too bright, but when he woke up, the world was gone. Sorta. There was more of a vast expanse of sky everywhere. As he looked around, Kinson saw some sparkly-looking-things forming a shape.

It was a man. As man wearing khaki pants and a dirty green shirt. Kinson thought that the dude looked like a more realistic version of the Guide, an NPC in Terraria.

He spoke with a booming voice, saying, "I am the Guide, from Terraria."

Kinson regained his wits. "What now?" That was probably the smartest thing he could have said.

"I'm the Guide, from Terraria."

"I heard that. What do you mean? That shouldn't be possible." Kinson jabbed a finger at the Guide. "Explain yourself."

"Hey! I'm the villain here, and that means you need to let me monologue. So shut up, kid."

"You're evil?"

"Yeah. And I said shut up, kid. Anyway, let me explain. I was created by Project GG, a project designed to make a supercomputer intelligent enough to continue development of Terraria even after the original programmers retired."

Kinson interrupted again. "Hey, hey. Does project GG stand for 'good game'?"

"Yes, it does. Pretty original, right?"

"No, not really."

"Ah, whatever. So, to continue my monologue, my code was formulated of the NPC Guide's code. I still remember being that dumb guy. And I still remember everyone calling me dumb. I was a laughingstock."

"Does that mean you aren't now?"

"Well, yeah. Anyway, I was upset and wanted revenge. So I made a plan. I took a bunch of noobs like yourself, and brought them here, to Terraria. More or less. I had to change it up a bit to accommodate your three-dimensional bodies, but it's mostly the same."

Kinson thought to himself that he wasn't a noob at all, since he'd been playing for years, but he kept quiet.

The Guide rambled on. "Here's the game rules. Play Terraria like normal, except you'll be in teams. Dead persons killed by the world or monsters respawn. No suicide, either. You'll just respawn. However, if you're killed by each other, then you die in real life. Permanently!"

Kinson was kind of shocked. "You die?! Like, actually die? That's pretty harsh."

"Yeah, I know right! You know, kid, you're less shocked by this than most people. A lot of the other kids started crying."

"Well, I don't get shocked easily. And by the way, how many other kids are there? And who's on my team?"

The Guide let out a sigh. He was probably getting tired of all the questions. "I'm getting tired of all the questions. I guess I'll tell you. There's a total of 32 people, and you're all in teams of four. You're on a team with three other girls: Emerson Chockley, Kuki Hatsuma, and Kaytlyn Firwood."

Kinson thought about it. "Well, I just won't die, and I'll be alright."

"You know, I really don't like you, kid. Now get out!" The Guide's eyes glowed bright white, and Kinson blacked out again. Or whited out. He awoke to find himself free falling in a massive expanse of sky. After screaming for a few seconds, Kinson looked around. He saw white plains, a large forest towards which he was falling, and purple chasms. Kinson tried to slow his fall, but the ground was approaching way too fast.

SPLAT!

 _Kinson didn't bounce._

Kinson began to respawn. _I guess you really do respawn,_ he thought. His particles reformed, and he formed about ten feet in the air, a much more doable fall. He fell and landed on nothing other than… an unconscious girl. One of his teammates, Kinson guessed. Somehow, his left hand was supporting itself on one of her breasts, and his knee was resting on her lower abdomen. Kinson watched as liquid trickled from the girl into the pants she was wearing. _Woah, man_ Kinson thought, and jumped off her. _Good thing she's unconscious._

Suddenly, she awoke. She paused for a second, looked at her pants, then Kinson. She blushed bright red, and leaped at Kinson, and sucker punched him.

 _Kinson was mauled to death by Kaytlyn's bare fist._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**

 **I do not own Terraria, Re-Logic, and anyone associated with them. I also don't own your local Starbucks, so don't ask.**

 **Chapter Two**

 _Kinson was mauled to death by Kaytlyn's bare fist._

 _Dang it,_ thought Kinson _, I was killed by a player. I guess that means I'll die for real, huh?_

Or not.

Kinson's particles reformed, and he spawned in mid air again, but this time he landed on solid ground instead of solid girl. I guess that teammate kills don't count.

The aforementioned girl spotted Kinson and charged toward him with death in her eyes. Apparently killing him once wasn't enough. Anyway, Kinson was prepared this time. As her fist flew towards his face, he sidestepped, and Kaytlyn punched air. As he did so, he stuck his arm out to the side, and Kaytlyn ran into it. He whirled around and put her in a headlock.

"I give, I give," she said. "Just please don't hurt me. Or embarrass me."

Kinson sighed. "Do I look like a monster to you? I Actually happen to be a human boy, who has been put on your team."

"O-oh…" she sputtered. "Well, then why did you do t-those things to me?"

"Hey, I couldn't help that. You were sleeping under my spawn point. So, if anyone's at fault, it's…"

"Me?"

"No, I was gonna say the Guide."

"The Guide? You mean the scary dude who sent us here?"

"Yeah, that's the one. I think he's mad at me. That's probably why he set my spawn there. It shouldn't even be possible to have a mid-air spawn point."

"What'd you do to make him mad?

"I sorta talked back to him and kinda made a little fun of him," Kinson replied.

Kaytlyn just stared at him in disbelief. This kid, this normal-looking kid, had stood up to the Guide, and laughed. She was crying the whole time. He had handled this absurd situation calmly. The situation. Kaytlyn remembered hers: she was now stuck in a strange world with a bunch of strange people. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she crumpled to the ground, bawling.

"Huh?" Kinson said. "Did I say something weird?"

No reply.

Kinson kneeled down next to Kaytlyn, and patted her on the head. "It's okay." He said softly. "We can make it through this. It's just Terraria, right? A game."

Kaytlyn stopped crying and looked at Kinson.

"See? The players always win the game. Now, come on. Our team members are still out cold. Let's see what we can get done while their asleep."

 _12 Hours Later…_

"Looks like night has fallen," said Kinson, while staring out the window of a small wooden house. "Monsters - zombies and demon eyes, really - will be out soon."

"Oh…" Kaytlyn said. "D-do you think we can fight them?"

"You don't have too, I'll take care of them. Don't worry; this house is perfectly safe."

During the day, Kinson and Kaytlyn had completed making their house. It was small, but neat, sturdy yet cozy. Kinson said he planned to upgrade it later. They had dragged their sleeping teammates in their.

"Hey! Hey, Kinson! They're waking up!" Shouted Kaytlyn. "See!"

Kinson looked. A small girl, with minute features and petite limbs, woke up. She rubbed her eyes, and moved her long brown hair out of the way. She pulled glasses over her eyes, and said, "That was a nice dream!" Then she looked around.

The other girl was waking up as well. She looked well figured and robust. She wasn't fat, but she was athletic. Looked like she played football when she was a kid or something. She leaped awake, yelling, "Come at me, punks!" After realizing where she was, she calmed down and adjusted a pin to keep her short brown hair out of her face. Then she saw Kinson.

She was still sleepy, so Kinson managed to avoid her attack and trip her. "Don't attack me." he said. "I'm on your team."

While Kaytlyn was comforting the smaller girl, Kinson stood up on their only table. "Listen up, people! I have a very inspirational speech to give, but I'd like to know all your names first. So, let's introduce one another."

Kaytlyn said, "I'm Kaytlyn."

"I'm Emerson," volunteered the small girl.

"And I'm Kuki!" said the larger one.

"Great!" Kinson continued. "So, Kaytlyn, Emerson, Kuki, and me, Kinson. Now, people, we are all on a team. A team to do what? Fight to the death for the amusement of a psycho. What is our team made of? Well, according to the Guide, noobs."

A murmur of agreement ran through the crowd of three. "I've only had it for a week," said Kaytlyn.

"But," Kinson continued. "There was one thing he forgot: I'm no noob. I've had the game for about five years now, and completed the game four times. We will…"

He never finished his sentence, because a huge roar echoed around the house. Everyone crowded around the window. What they saw took their breath away. It was the Eye of Cthulu. Emerson looked ready to faint. Kuki screamed like a little girl. Kaytlyn clung to Kinson. Kinson stared calmly. "Okay, people. I'm going. Stay."

Kinson stepped outside. It was probably the coolest and bravest thing any of the girls had seen.

Out of nowhere, a rock flew towards Kinson, probably one thrown up by the Eye.

 _Kinson's plead for death was answered by Falling Rock._


End file.
